Working, working, working

I started work yesterday after being home for 16 weeks.

I wasn't ready. I loved being at home with Noah. I loved being home to watch every milestone: the first laugh, first giggle.

It makes me sad that I won't be there to see all of the future milestones: the rolling over, etc.

While I know that I am not the first working mother to feel this way, for me this is a rather strange set of emotions.

When Nathan was born, I couldn't wait to go back to work. I was sad to leave him, but I was ready.

I was going crazy at home. I needed to get out of the house. I needed to go back and feel productive. I needed real conversation.

I longed to wear the business suits, the slacks the skirts. I longed to wake up in the morning and get ready to go somewhere. Anywhere.

In my mind Nathan was such a difficult baby, and I didn't know how to take care of him. He would cry and I would cry.

We never got in sync with each other and the 13 weeks we spent together were a rough start to motherhood.

Looking back, Nathan was a normal baby and Noah is the same as Nathan was. Perhaps now after having gone through it once before, I am more mentally equipped to deal with a baby.

I am a better mother to Noah thanks to Nathan. I realize that these moments are fleeting and pass much to quickly.

I also realize that I might not get another chance to see these milestones. I have no idea if another baby is in our future.

Nathan made me a mother and made me understand how to deal with these changes within myself. How to deal with the beauty that comes with watching your child grow and evolve as a little person.

I am not ashamed to admit that I cried when I left him yesterday. That a little piece of my heart broke as I walked away from him.

I know that he is in amazing hands. I know that he will flourish in daycare that way that Nathan has. Knowing all of this doesn't make it any easier.
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21 comments:

Karen Greenberg said...

Oh Barbara, I'm sorry you cried. Once you got to work, did you feel okay? I hope you have an easier time soon.

The Brennan Family said...

{{hugs}} Mama, I cant even imagine how difficult it is to go back to work.

Rach (DonutsMama) said...

I'm sorry it was hard leaving them. I hope it'll get a bit easier, but I understand it's hard to leave, even if it's only for an hour.

What you wrote about the 2nd baby being a little easier was great comfort to me. Sometimes I wonder if D is a difficult baby or if it's b/c she's my first and I have no clue what's going on so I make it harder than it is. It took us a good 9 months to find our rhythm and we had a rough start too.

Tracy said...

Hugs to you. Thinking about you. xo

Natalie said...

Awww...I know it can't be easy...and what an honest post. Nathan did make you a mommy and prepared you for being a mommy to Noah! Hope I'm the same way with my 2nd!

Lisa @ Two Bears Farm said...

I remember how hard it was to go back to work after I had my firstborn. Such an emotional wrenching. You'll have to get some extra snuggles in the evenings!!

Adrienne said...

I love that notion that Nathan made you a better mama. For me, it was our second that "settled" me - that put a sense of the permanancy of the famliy we were building in me. Something shifted...and though my activity remained pretty much the same, somehow inside I was mom and family first with everything else growing from there. Up until then, even with my first, I seemed more centered around the other things that filled my life...with family as an outgrowth of that. I don't know if this makes any sense. Let's just say, my thoughts are with you ~ I know you'll do great with it all!!

Susan said...

Thinking of you Barbara. I have so been there! It's tough.
:( Big hugs.

Kate R said...

Lovely post, even if hard to write (and a lot harder to live!). I don't think mothers are probably ever ready for the changes that have to take place, even if you know it is good for your babies. I am taking 6 months maternity leave and, even before taking it, I know it will be hard going back to work at the end of it! So comforting though to see how you and other mothers handle it, and just as importantly, how Nathan has (and Noah will) flourish. Thanks for sharing :)

Heidi Mikalsen Nymann said...

So nice to hear that you are back at work since you really wanted to. wow 16 weeks goes by so fast. Personally I'm happy to be home for some months more but I don't miss work the way you do. Hope Noah has a super time in day care.

Nieves said...

Barbara, you are a great mother, I know it, you are intelligent, sensible and sensitive and you are doing and you will be doing great with the kids. Though I understand it has to be hard to leave your baby, but it is a matter of time and of getting used to the new situation.

I can not tell you regarding my personal experience (you know, I have no kids!) but I am sure everything is going to be soft and subtle with the whole matter. Cheer up, my friend!

Cam said...

You've just expressed my fears perfectly. I didn't want to come back to work after my son and I'm sure I'll struggle after my daughter is born. Like you, this may be the last chance I have to see these milestones first hand. I'm pretty certain we're going to be a two child family. Sigh...

Moomser said...

It's so much harder the second time around isn't it?! I hope you get back in the swing of things and start feeling better when you see Noah happy and well-adjusted at daycare.

jeands said...

awww... i hope you feel better soon.

Amanda said...

I thought in France you'd get more time than that for mat leave...?

It's nice to know that you can feel like a better mother the second time around. I thought Lilah was a difficult baby too, but I'm sure much of it had more to do with my own anxiety than her fussiness.

Sorry to hear that the transition back to work has been so hard on you. :(

Jessica {Team Rasler} said...

Big hugs to you. These transitions are tough. I'm glad that you were able to enjoy your leave with Noah and that the second time around it was easier to get in sync. (I felt that way with my second, too!) Anyway, I know that you already know that it will get easier, blah blah blah, so I just wanted to tell you that I get it and you're not alone in these feelings of probably enjoying being back and work and yet missing the munchkins.

Jessica said...

I felt different after my second child was born too. Like I was suppose to be with her all the time and not at work like I was with my first child.

Stacey said...

So sorry sweet pea. We have had a rough go of it, but I feel lucky to be able to be with Jonathan and not have to go to work and leave him. I do enjoy dropping him off at the YMCA daycare though while I sweat away my OMG moments of the day:)LUV U!!

Blond Duck said...

You express it so beautifully though.

Bestie said...

Best of luck to you! I've been there! My youngest is four and I still sometimes cry going to work! Stopping by via Ava Grace's Closet.

Kim said...

I think it's so hard to go back. And back so early. Hugs to you.

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